It’s been a strange few days for me. On hand it’s been a needed break from the ho-hum, yet on the other hand it’s been – dare I say it – too much time to lose myself within the vast cauldron of my soul. I’ve felt lost and unable to find what it is exactly that I’m supposed to be doing. Bored is to simplistic a concept for this kind of ache. It’s not dullness that I’m feeling, but rather pointlessness. I find myself challenged by everything I wanted to know and everything I wish I did. Today only highlighted that cause – there’s a certain lose of inspiration that’s plaguing me. A year ago at this time MotorMilt and I rode for hours on end on A Glorious Christmas Ride and when it was over I felt refreshed. Almost reborn. This year the holiday ride came at me more like contradiction. Perhaps laced with confusion. While it was physically just me and the Duc hauling ass through canyons, mentally I found myself unable to let go. Unable to resolve whatever issues plague me right now. The very roads that I know so well seemed so uneventful. So plain. So ordinary. And yet I know they are anything but dull. In all fairness I suppose I should feel lucky – perhaps even grateful - to even be out riding on Christmas day, yet even though I’m intelligent to enough to understand this I still felt somehow incomplete. Somehow confused and contradicted by my own mind. By my own soul. There are words that I should be saying and I can’t. I want to write how glorious the ride was, how awe-inspiring, how’s special it was to be out there and yet I can’t. So while I know that there are countless folks covered in a white Christmas who are unable to ride and longing for a chance at any journey, I find myself questioning whether or not it’s worth it. It’s a challenge I feel unprepared to face. A cause I can’t champion. A world I feel uninvited to and everything in it seems upside down. I feel rather directionless right now. Pointed forward and heading down the asphalt unaware of where I’m going. Unable to change the direction. I feel the push and pull of the unknown and the sensation of mental chaos. Time flies by and I stand and watch. It’s surreal on so many different levels. I wish I had a way to tune it all out and simply enjoy the glory of the canyons, yet I find myself succumbing to a power I can’t name. A force that makes me shutter. Worst of all when I try to explain it, I feel impotent. I feel unable to communicate what it is that rides me. What it is that makes me shake my head and wonder. This isn’t riding, it’s waking up and feeling like you’re fucked in the head.
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Dylan,
I was fascinated by your post of 25 Dec. It seems that you were pondering your place in time relative to motorcycles and their progressive development on the 24th and that evidently led to an encounter with “the vast cauldron of my soul.” Only a small fraction of men your age would even be aware of the feeling and fewer still could put in into words.
You have a rare gift in your ability to describe your experiences both on and off motorcycles. As with many gifts that are accompanied with unique side effects (Einstein was a brilliant observer of physical data but at the same time oblivious to the mundane- as the time he was reported to have mistaken his wife’s corsage for a salad). Not all side effects are negative as is the case of blind people who develop a keener sense of hearing. You seem to be more like the latter.
It was this capacity of yours that allowed you to sense that, as you said, “I’ve felt lost and unable to find what it is exactly that I’m supposed to be doing”. The statement seems in conflict with a man who is working in TV, producing fishing videos and among other activities is a prolific blog writer.
A theologian (his name escapes me) once said “there is a God shaped hole in the heart of every man” By your age (30+ i assume), most people have already attempted to fill the hole with religion (like Cecile has done with Buddhism ref. Cecilie’s Moto Journal). The rest just cover the hole with ideologies (like atheism or existentialism) that are common enough to receive tacit support from the population at large.
Other than an interest in motorcycles I assume that we share an appreciation for honesty. For this reason I’ll state first that I have found Biblical resolution to my own personal “hole in my heart.” If this causes you any problem what so ever please skip to my last paragraph.
In summary, the Bible teaches that we are the product of God’s love.
• We were created for Him to love us and for us to love Him in return.
• Next, we all have sinned. The term means missed the target. God regards our good deeds as “filthy rags” because they testify to idea that we have no need of God.
• God, therefore, foretold the Jews through their prophets that He would send his Son, Y’shua bar David (I’m not Jewish but I’m told that in Hebrew it means “Jesus son of David”) to pay the price of death for our sins. Note: Psalm 22 is a perfect description of death on a cross written by King David 300 years before the Persians invented crucifixion and taught it to the Romans.
• Y’shua was resurrected on the third day as promised. Y’shua himself referred to the three days that Jonah spent in the stomach of a great fish.
I’m sure that you have heard similar explanations before but the point of this is that if one believes these things in his heart and confesses them with his mouth that man will be saved.
If God created you He did it with a purpose and will lead you to understand what you are supposed to be doing here.
Last paragraph:
Whether or not you respond to this in a positive or a negative manner or disregard it all together neither gets me “points” nor costs me “points” with God. He only asks me to speak of His plan, the results are between you and Him. So, regardless of your response I would like to thank you for your excellent work and encourage you to continue to ride and write as you have in the past. I thoroughly enjoy your work.
Ford Minnett
fcminnett@verizon.net